Blessed by A Community of Women

In my last blog entry, I lamented about being relegated to the world of women. Lest anyone assume that I do not value relationships with other women, let me now present the flip-side of that argument.

One of the reasons I can complain about my situation is because I have such wonderful relationships with other women. When I first became a Christian, several young women took me under their wings and mentored me. They taught what it meant to be a Christian. They bought me my first Bibles. They led small groups that I was a part of. And they saw the gifts for ministry in me before anyone else. They advocated for me and opened the doors that began my journey towards ordination.

Today, I have a wonderful network of women that I am a part of. They are all ages, in various stages of life, scattered all over the world. Some of them mentor me. Some of them I mentor. Many of them are what some would term “holy friendships,” ones that support and encourage me, walk alongside me in the faith, cause me to strive for excellence, and remind me continually of God’s presence. These women have been incredibly important to me for a variety of reasons.

The world gives women (well, all of us, but women in particular) a lot of mixed messages about who we are and who we are to be. The patriarchal systems and the sexism that persists today is at times blatant, but often much more subtle. When it is blatant, my women friends can laugh with me and rage with me, helping to remind me that my identity is in Christ not with those who devalue women. When it is more subtle, women friends can help me see those patterns, to stop doubting myself. They can share similar experiences. Some have gone before me and can offer advice. Some have come behind me and can remind me how far we have come.

But it is more than that… these women help teach me each day what it is to be a woman. What do I mean by that? It used to be that we grew up in communities, extended families, places where traditions and knowledge and secrets were passed on. Okay, perhaps only the healthy communities. But where today can you truly talk about some of the things that are truly unique to being a woman? Or perhaps are just truly unique to who you are but you are terrified they will cause you to be marginalized and silenced because they are too “feminine.” For example… I am a crier. For some of you that may be difficult to believe, but when I am under tremendous stress, or have not slept, or perhaps in the midst of my period, or someone evokes the issues I’ve had with my father… I cry. I can’t help it. I have tried to work on it. I have had a few bosses that have had to weather through it. Where can you talk about that?

Where can you talk about the changes you are going through when you are pregnant or going through menopause… especially when you are a pastor and the entire congregation is watching?

Where can you talk about the struggles of how to dress professionally… and feminine… and to indicate that you are available… and to reflect your personality… and to feel good about yourself… and not provide a temptation to anyone… and appropriate for the culture you are working in… and….

Where can you talk about the choices you are making in your career… and your personal life… how those things are not separate for you… how they don’t fit together neatly or easily… how they lead to lives that meander and wander rather than following a linear path up the corporate ladder?

In Elaine Lawless’s ethnographic study of a group of women clergy, Holy Women, Wholly Women, she writes of the need to “hear one another into speech.” How finding safe places to speak the stories of our lives is crucial to living an abundant life. Her study is worth looking at if you are interested in a peak into the world of professional clergy women. In reading her book, I was reminded that there are many women who have not been blessed by the relationships I have had with other women. They have been deep and meaningful, formative and fulfilling. Which is why, despite how they operate in my own life, I still feel that women’s groups are vital to the church and to our world. Every woman should have the opportunity to be blessed by relationships similar to the ones I have shared….