Serving in the Midst of Doubt

Our church has finished its series on the prophecies in Isaiah... so my reflections this week will move to the pre-Christmas stories in Luke.

I have to admit that the text I picked for this morning has more to do with where I am at than with an appropriate text for this close to Christmas.
"Both of them were upright in the sight of God, observing all the Lord's commandments and regulations blamelessly. But they had no children, because Elizabeth was barren; and they were both well along in years." (Luke 1:6-7)

I am having a "feel sorry for yourself because of all the waiting in your life" kind of day. Frustrated at the long wait to find the right job after finishing my doctoral degree. Waiting for people to realize that even though I don't fit the current models of professors, I might actually do a good job! Frustrated at waiting for enough healing or for the right person or for God's timing or for whatever else has kept me single so long. Wishing I knew how much of it was me, how much is society, and how much is God. Frustrated that my biological clock is ringing incessantly and adoption takes so long... that I waited so long thinking I was waiting for something else to happen first...

The story of Zechariah and Elizabeth should in some ways give me hope. They had done nothing wrong. Zechariah served among the high priests. Elizabeth was upright, observing all the Lord's commandments. And yet they were considered cursed... or at least not blessed... by God because Elizabeth was barren (at least they assumed it was Elizabeth).

I wonder if Zechariah and Elizabeth were even praying for a child anymore? They were past child-bearing years. Did they still cry out to God each night? Or was their prayer something different... something deeper. The faithfulness to walk forward one day at a time. To continue keeping the Lord's commandments and regulations. Zechariah's willingness to continue leading in worship and prayer, to step into the holy of holies. Zechariah, serving faithfully, yet still doubting when God appears with a promise.

It gives me hope that faith doesn't always have to be something I feel. It does not always have to be something I even believe or trust in a the moment. It does, however, ask of me to keep walking forward in faith. To live out what I cannot for the moment feel.

Advent is not always about a feeling. It is sometimes... God does want us to feel hope, to believe, to trust. But sometimes, instead, Advent is about an action. About walking faithfully in the darkness. Holding on to what appears like a sliver of light... yet it is the light of the world. And holding on to that light will lead you into bright shining joy.

Oh... and the picture... it has very little to do with the reflection. Though they do remind me of the rosary and of the way praying the rosary is a way to continue walking faithfully even in times of doubt and darkness.